for my sweet beeb, part 1*

"I miss you," I said to you, already, yesterday. I startled a little, as I let that little whisper out. Miss you? How could I, when you're still so close? Maybe I had grown so used to your usual squirmings that I was not feeling as aware of your presence as usual. Maybe you were napping and I had something exciting to tell you. Or maybe, already, I was anticipating having to let you go, little by little every day.

I didn't expect to have to face the pain of parenting so soon. It's so strange, I began this process by carrying you, a little more each day, more and more as time went on. (I wish you could see how silly I look by now! All belly, with short little arms and legs.) The day you're born I'll already begin the process of carrying you less, little by little, each day that passes.

pretty sure i can no longer see my feet by now...

But all that is too much for me right now; I can tell I'm getting ahead of myself. Right now I just want to hold you. Right now I just want to be here, with little tiny pefect you, with your sweet Daddy, our tiny family just as small and new and hopeful as you are. I'm beginning to understand this motherhood thing, a little, when people try to describe how surreal it is for everything to be so strange, and yet so familiar, all at the same time. I feel like I know you already, but at the same time, I can't wait to know you, face to face. You're already so near, and still I can't help but want to be closer, to hold and squeeze you and cover you in kisses.

We're not ready for you to be here yet, there's so much to be done. But at the same time, we're so ready. So, so ready.

___ __ _

*this was actually written a couple of weeks ago, but i figured if i didn't start posting these things soon, i might lose them. or get too lazy to keep going. same with the photo, actually. somehow technology slows me down...

our little chicken tender

about a week or so ago, i dreamed we had our baby. (a few months early, if you're keeping track.) she was very small, only about 5 inches long, but otherwise healthy and seemingly pleased to be in the world. so small, in fact, that she kept slipping through the crook in my arm and i had to keep digging around in the couch cushions looking for her. (don't worry, she was fine. this is a dream, people.)
at the climax of the dream, i proudly presented her to my mom, holding her up like Simba in the Lion King, and proclaiming gleefully, "She's our little chicken tender!!!"

upon waking, this was my first thought: OF COURSE i would give birth to a chicken tender! considering my diet for the last few months, nothing at this point would surprise me less.

this one's herbed, but i assure you, ours was just as delicious.

speaking of our little chicken tender, she's about all that's been on my mind lately, in one form or another. when something like pregnancy takes over your body and your life, it's hard to focus on much else, really. as a result, i've spent a lot of time lately reading and thinking about pregnancy and parenthood, as one might expect.

pregnancy, for me, has been filled with a lot strangeness and disappointment (in myself mostly, not in the experience), but also with a lot of hopeful exploration. i think my favorite part of the process has been in the discovery, and something about the mystery of it all never gets old.

i was pleased to find this article today, on Jen's blog of all places. it so hit home with me that i felt i should share it. besides, i've been rather internet shy the last few months. (remember all that disappointment i mentioned earlier?) if i'm not providing compelling content of my own, i might as well point you in a good direction. ♥