a christmas letter, for a first christmas.

(anticipation.)

"look, Baby, snow!!" we rushed to the window to see the fluffy snow falling, just beginning to blanket our little wooded backyard. "this is what we've been waiting for!"
and then it struck me--this is what it must have been like, at least a little--waiting so earnestly for the child king who would deliver them. and suddenly, like a dream: He's here! He's born! People rejoicing! Angels singing!

“Glory to God in the highest heaven!
And on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests!”¹

His entrance into this world,  all at once quiet and frantic, rushed and strange, yet altogether ... peaceful? A paradox so much like most baby's births, so much like your own, my SweetLos. i will forever be so grateful for this time last year that i spent waiting for you, hoping for you. like the world waited for its Savior. like we wait for Him again.

(hope.)

as my thoughts turn to His triumphant return this Christmas season, i can't help but think that the same kind of startling quietness might be with us when that time comes. the loud voice! the trumpet call!² ... and yet ultimately, peaceful. He is the Prince of Peace³, after all, isn't He?

(light.)

we've needed His peace in even greater measure lately, it seems. the demonstration of evil in the world⁴ last week in Connecticut has us all reeling, still. as a new parent, and being prone to worry, my heart pulls toward anxiety and fear. and without a hope, without a promise, isn't there a reason for such great fear??
but this particular horror, for me, has been different somehow. like every time i open my mouth to shout out in fear, a gentle, holy hand puts its fingers to my lips and says "Hush, child. Remember: I am your perfect Father. I love you with an everlasting love.⁵ And I am still in control."
His peace, which surpasses all understanding⁶, has made me still.

Friends! we cannot forget!
there is a light in the darkness.⁷ Jesus is still on His throne.

my dear, sweet, tiny Baby,
my prayer for you this Christmas is for hope and peace and light. this world you were born into is so, so dark sometimes, so dark you can hardly see. but we have a God who keeps his promises. a God who loves us so much He sent His only child to die so that we could live.⁸ so when the darkness closes in, Baby, trust in Him. hold tight to Him, my Tiny Toast. He's all you need.⁹ He'll never let you go.
love,
Mama.

---

1 Luke 2:14
2 1 Thes. 4:16
3 Isaiah 9:6
4 Jeremiah 17:9
5 Jeremiah 31:3, Romans 8:31
6 Phil. 4:6-7
7 Isaiah 9:2
8 John 3:16
9 2 Cor. 12:9

on strangeness and disappointment.

after a too-short, but moderately productive, weekend i thought i ought to wrap up some business. you may (or most likely, may not) remember a tiny bomb i dropped in the middle of this post, not too far back. the comment i made was about the disappointment i've felt about this pregnancy so far, and while i was trying to downplay my whining, i did not realize it would perhaps cause concern for some readers (who, you know, read the things i write. silly me!) anyway, it dawned on me, after having attended 2 birthing classes so far, that i was perhaps not alone in this feeling. but at the same time, no one seems to really discuss many of the negative feelings associated with pregnancy. it's all diaper pails and coordinated bedding and fancy strollers, with the occasional mention of an annoying pregnancy symptom or discomfort. at least, that's the majority of what i've come across, given my limited vantage point.

that said, the following is perhaps a more articulated (i hope?) explanation of some of the less rosy side of pregnancy, at least as i've experienced it so far. this is not, nor do i wish for it to be, merely a list of gripes, or a not-so-subtle way of trying to fish compliments or empty encouragements from the masses. i'd just like, for once, to be honest about how things have gone so far, with how my expectations measured up with reality, with the hope that someone else might feel the same way and would be encouraged to know that they are not alone. also, it should be noted that all i'm about to disclose does not represent the majority of my feelings about pregnancy; in fact, i've had a rather delightful time of it. so while i struggle from time to time with regrets and anxieties, please know that i'm actually feeling quite wonderful about the whole process. it's been mysterious and captivating to be host to the creation of a new little person, and i've loved every minute of the experience from that perspective.

all that being what it is, i'm surprisingly content with our current situation. in fact, i've been happier throughout this pregnancy than i've been in a long time. not that i was unhappy prior to this, but there's just something about the expectation of new life that makes the human heart glad, i think. i'm feeling more in love with my sweet Husband than ever, for example, during a time i expected to be rather difficult and full of painful adjustments for us both. he, of course, has been wonderful through it all, and it's clearer to me every day how i simply could not do this without him. the more time passes, the more convinced i become that having his baby is the best idea i've ever had!

so what am i so disappointed about? in short, i had BIG PLANS for this pregnancy. i had been anticipating being pregnant for some time (something like 10 minutes... but felt very long to very-impatient me) and had lots of expectations. maybe they were foolish, but as dreamers do, dream i most certainly did. and worse--I MADE PLANS. i read articles, blogs, books about how to stay healthy and fit throughout pregnancy. i started running again (sort of, if you count twice as "started again".) i gathered advice from friends and family about the medical aspects of pregnancy, timelines for preparations, you name it. and then! ... i actually got pregnant.

still feeling young and optimistic, around week 20

for the first few weeks, i was merely slightly uncomfortable, but whatever bloated discomfort i faced was easily overshadowed by my intense worry and glee. the Husband and i were both pretty giddy about the whole idea; having finally pulled the trigger on this whole "family" idea was overwhelming, but mostly at that point just plain fun. but soon The First Trimester started. and soon i found myself overwhelmingly nauseous and outrageously exhausted. for weeks 8 through about 16 or so, my couch had never seen so much of me and my flower beds had never seen so little. i was down for the count, and it was NOT pretty. so there went my plans. just like that! just like i said they wouldn't. for i had MADE PLANS, you see. BIG PLANS. for running through the first trimester! for maintaining a healthy diet, plus or minus perhaps a couple small tweaks to account for cravings and foods rich in healthy, life-giving fats and calories! for sewing, for cleaning, for crafty preparations galore! but all. i did. was lay there. for 2. long. months. "i'll get back to that in the second trimester," i told myself. "i'll be feeling better then."

and feel better i did. just better enough to become more busy than i ever imagined. was pregnancy supposed to be this busy? why did i suddenly no longer have time for daily workouts? trips to the grocery store? laundry? dishes? where did all my time go? i've spent more time reflecting on this than i probably should, and i still don't have any answers. i'm not sure how it is i did not expect pregnancy to be as busy as, say, wedding planning. i suppose i expected to be busy during pregnancy, but i think i was picturing something more ... productive. instead, we suddenly found ourselves in a whirlwind of appointments, busy work schedules, overly ambitious home improvement projects and very little else. all our routine went out the window, and along with it our healthy eating habits, our regular workouts and our ability to keep our house even remotely clean. by the time i felt like i had time to breathe, i realized i had missed several months of regular workouts and no longer remembered what to even buy from the grocery store, much less what it is we used to eat or how i ever had time to cook dinner.

to be a little more brief, i've been terribly disappointed with how things have gone with this pregnancy. not because pregnancy has been awful or because the struggles and discomforts outweigh the happy parts (that's certainly not even close to true.) but because i once considered myself a routine-driven, capable, disciplined person. and suddenly i am seemingly none of those things. (on that note, please do not send me messages trying to tell me otherwise. you have not been at my house for the last few months to witness the carnage, you're going to have to trust me on this. plus, that is not the point here, i thought i mentioned that earlier.) realizing all of this has been difficult for me, to say the least. looking around, it doesn't seem like any other pregnant moms-to-be have so much trouble keeping it together. most of them appear clean, dressed and healthy. i think i even saw some of them eating vegetables.

so while most of this pregnancy has been thick with anticipation, adventure and delight, i can't shake the feeling that i should have done better. that i should have tried harder, that i should have maybe even tried a little. it scares me a little, moving toward such a drastic transformative life change that i feel as if i've lost all control. my only hope is that this time has given me some new perspective. or at least that it has given me a break between my life before and what my life is about to become. like a fresh start, i can pick up and start all over again. and this time, instead of changing routines, i'll merely start anew. so i suppose there's some hope built into this feeling of disappointment. a clear vision of what my life might be without a little structure, and a healthy helping of humility to spur me on.

pruning

a few weeks ago, we made our annual trip to the apple orchard. i'd been waiting so long for the cool weather, turning leaves and crisp, tart apples; it comes every year, but still it feels forever new and fresh, like i can finally take my first deep breath in months.

i heard a sermon recently about pruning and fruit. in it, there was a story about an apple tree that was overgrown and breaking under the weight of its own bitter fruit. it needs pruning, or it will eventually die, the gardener said. when he was done working, there was almost nothing left of the poor tree, nothing green. the tree has been traumatized, he said, by the severe pruning. but eventually, it will grow strong and bear fruit, big and sweet.

i watched my husband, along with his father and his brother, cut down a number of trees in our yard a while back. many were diseased and had died, one had grown awkwardly and was threatening to crush our garage. even some that were still tall and strong needed pruning; i watched with concern as they sawed off every sideways-growing limb and thinned the branches to let sunlight in. wouldn't too much pruning hurt the tree, i said? won't it leave even the largest trees in distress? the most mature trees, they said, might feel a little pain, but in the end they'll be healthier, stronger. the branches growing toward the sky are the most important parts of the tree. anything else is stealing precious nutrients and energy from the stronger branches, and threatening the tree's health. the trees need to be pruned, they said, in order for them to survive.

it got me thinking about my tendency to hurry forward, yearning for fruit but despising the necessary pruning. i don't think it's necessarily bad to long to bear good fruit, but i think better than that is an attitude that embraces the pruning and receives it with joy--a painful means to a beautiful end. i don't know if we have any say over what parts of us get pruned and what remain (although, i suspect not); but if i could choose, i'd like to see the laziness go. clip off the fear, prune away my short-sightedness. cut down and burn all the sideways-growing branches of self-centeredness and pride, to make room for branches that can bear good fruit. so the light can come in and grow a blossom into a fruit, so that fruit can ripen into something bold, sweet and nourishing. so that the harvest is plentiful and many can eat till they're full.

it is finished.

a dear friend once reminded me, upon her own rediscovery, that all the best songs have already been written.

trying to prepare my heart for the heaviness of Good Friday, i found this one, again. and since i cannot say it any more perfectly, i'll merely let it stand on its own.

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom.

atrophy

i have a friend, she writes beautiful words. some of her recent words read like a script in my head. these are the lines i've spoken, the dance i've done.

since an injury last summer, i haven't been as active as i would have liked. i can feel that my body has gotten softer, changed shape. my clothes don't fit. what i see in the mirror doesn't match the body in my head, i feel like i don't belong in my own skin. i can see evidence in places where muscle definition used to exist, but what's there now seems unfamiliar. the landscape has changed, and i don't know where i am.

workouts are harder, leave me stiff and sore for days. i am remembering what this feels like, relearning how to move, how to stand, how to breathe. i am surprised to find myself slower, weaker, less flexible.

i get the same feeling when i haven't been in the Bible as much as i would like. i forget things, i lose focus. like He calls my name, reaches for me, but His hand only barely brushes my sleeve as i breeze through the door. later on, i wonder why He didn't fight harder for me. i accuse Him, i shift the blame. but He was always in pursuit; i was the one who got distracted, who turned and walked away.

now, back in that wonderful book, i am starting to recognize some things. the words sound familiar, their message feels like nourishment to brittle bones, sore muscles, a weak heart. i see signposts everywhere--my handwriting in the margins, well-worn pages, notes from friends, evidences that i once knew this place. i lived here once, this was my home. it doesn't feel like that yet, it still seems new, but already it feels so much better than where i've been. like the softness of your own sheets after a long week away.

Paul says "I beat my body, and make it a slave, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." it's a picture of discipline so purposeful, so complete. a subtle warning against laziness and apathy, a reminder to keep our eyes fixed on the goal. to run with purpose. to persevere.

for those who have been feeling a bit unsteady.

a loving reminder of where our hope should lie: not in paychecks, governments, unions or even in ourselves, but in our good and sovereign Savior, Creator of all things.

"

Winter Cleaning

oh, the obligatory New Year's post. (as i write this, i realize that i managed to somehow avoid the obligatory Christmas post. whoops. here, read this one instead. it's way better, anyway.) lots of folks have written funny or inspiring New Year's reflections, but this one is so far my favorite. it lifts me out of this ridiculous tiredness i've been slothing through lately, and made me examine how i've sort of tumbled into this new year feeling very unprepared. blindsided, even.

we spent the weekend with my family, celebrating a rather quiet Christmas. it was wonderful, and in preparation the Hubs and i spent several days maniacally cleaning. it was sort of awesome, and i arose from the dust, as usual following these sorts of projects, with a fresh satisfaction with our house and our life. cleaning always feels like revival to me. or it could be, that in the little private revival i've been experiencing lately, that everything is tinged with a little extra hope.

i wish i could say i have only positive things to say about the year ahead, but the truth is, even in the midst of an exciting time of growth, i'm going in trapped in a very self-critical fog. so what you're about to experience is a bit of a year-in-review project, intended specifically to fix my focus and motivate healthy change. and my prayer is that that be our theme this year: change, as only God the Creator can implement. breaking unhealthy cycles, facilitating greater effectiveness, cultivating boldness, courage, wisdom and above all, love.

and so in that light, i give you this: a collection of significant happenings this past year, and perhaps a few goals for the coming year.

2010:
- 30 pounds lost. (5 pounds gained back. and this is according to the last weigh-in before the holidays. ugh.)
- more blog writing! this one, rather awkwardly, resulted in my Grandma printing out a seemingly well-loved, snack-related post and distributing it to the whole family at Christmas. yeah. so... Hello there, Family! Welcome to the blogosphere. wow, it sure got cozy in here fast, didn't it! ha ha... ha. (oh jeez.)
- first ski trip Out West. this was a humbling, and simultaneously thrilling, experience. this is when i start to think that perhaps the Rockies are God's country, just a little.
- running! in April, i began the Couch-to-5K running program, somewhat begrudgingly, and ended up falling in love with running, something i never dreamed would ever happen. this resulted in three 5k runs, all with varying degrees of success, and one super fun 4.5-mile Mud Run. all culminating in...
- stopping running! it would be unfair to dwell only on the excitement of running without acknowledging the struggles as well. in late September, i developed a foot injury and have begrudgingly benched myself since. this has proved to be an unending source of anxiety and dissatisfaction, forcing me not only to curb my workout plans, but also to wear only supportive footwear. i'm pretty sure the only suffering more horrifying in my life so far has been the lice i mysteriously contracted in college. this one hasn't made me cry or lose my mind or try to claw out of my own skin yet, but there has been much moaning and flopping around in a distressed fashion. for your sake, prayers for a speedier recovery!
- the Death of our Debt. no joke! as of spring of 2010, we are officially debt-free, not counting the mortgage on our house. we killed it all in a little under a year: 3 vehicle payments and several years' worth of student loans (we never carried credit card debt.) we're exceedingly grateful for Dave Ramsey's ministry in getting us started on a plan, something that, aside from getting us financially in order, has done amazing things for our marriage. if you plan on getting married anytime soon, don't be offended when you unwrap a copy of The Total Money Makeover from us. we know you think you don't need it; we thought that once, too. just read it. and then do it. you can thank us later.
- a new church home. this one has been tough for us. after moving to the Brookfield area, we loafed around for, oh, about a year or so before really getting serious about getting back into a community. not long ago i started to realize how much i missed it, and how much my heart ached for it. being ridiculous and cynical, finding a good church is always a horrible experience with us. but we're learning to love The Church, because Jesus does, and re-learning how to do this church thing all over again. it's usually humbling, but often rewarding; the distance has given me a more appreciative perspective, compared to the hater days of my youth. it's rare for me these days to actually feel like i'm surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, and i'm so excited at the chance to enjoy that, like new, all over again.

2011: 
- greater productivity, more hard work.
- shorter blog posts. (sorry, guys. it's a problem i have.)
- a better marriage
- a healthier family
- a cleaner house
- a greater sense of urgency
- a more effective life, as evidenced by a smarter and more intentional use of my time and my money.

and now, in acknowledgment of the total lack of privacy and anonymity on the internet, i expect not just awkward encouragement, but also some serious grief from all of you, when i'm seriously slacking. go right ahead internet, BRING IT.

the day trail mix kicked my derrière.

recently, my Hubs and i were all snuggled into our living room with the gas stove on, blissed out on all-day football consumption and feeling pretty fat and sassy. we were a little low on the trail mix we like to make  ourselves, so Hubs went to the kitchen to gather ingredients and mix up a big bowl's worth. he came back, arms loaded with supplies, what seemed like dozens of pounds worth of bagged Sam's Club loot: mixed nuts, pecans, walnuts, almonds, cashews, mixed dried fruits, Ghirardelli chocolate chips. and all of a sudden, i was breathless. "We are SO RICH."

the weight of our blessed lives nearly knocked me to the floor. trail mix? really? we don't even consider it food, really. good enough to stave off hunger for a half an hour while dinner's cooking, or as a little treat after lunch, sure. but what we consider a mere snack some people on this planet would kill for. sure, we might have nearly 6-year-old cell phones that don't even take photos. and we might mostly use hand-me-down computers. and we don't even have cable! but we have trail mix. and look at how much of it we have! bags and bags and bags of nourishment, and that doesn't even compare to what's in the rest of the kitchen. 

it happens a lot that in times of suffering, the things we are so grateful for become so much more obvious. but sometimes we don't even need to experience times of little to be awakened to how much we're blessed.

this is going to bother a lot of you, i can tell already. the Hubs and i do alright on the income front, and we're very conscious of how blessed we've been with good jobs and a comfortable standard of living. lots of you are probably bitterly muttering, "duh." and i could probably go on and on about how everyone struggles with finances, regardless of their situation. how we have certainly had our share of challenges, and how we've worked very hard to handle our finances wisely and responsibly. how politicians have skewed the statistics in  their favor, making divisive labels that prey on everyone's general dissatisfaction with how much money they have (or sometimes, their perception of how much money they have.) i could say all those things, but i'll spare you the defensiveness, that sort of attitude would muddy the waters.*

the point is, none of it is really ours. we're just managers of God's things. and just as He once trusted us with little, He's trusting us with more and more each day. and the responsibility of that has been heavy on my heart lately. so heavy. the scriptures are packed with reminders about the dangers of trusting in one's own wealth, and certainly those verses are never far from my mind. but more than anything, especially in the midst of this holiday season, i'm so thankful. for how we've been blessed materially, for the wisdom (not of ourselves) to be good stewards, for the things we're able to give others and in doing so, point to the God who made it all possible and who tells us to take care of each other. and i'm also supremely joyful that i've been given this opportunity to know how much we have, and to still be so, so thankful.

have you even been just knocked down by a reminder of all your blessings? ... or do i need to get out of my head and into the world a bit more often?  ;)

♥

* Also, please do not receive any of this as boasting, for i have a healthy fear of God, and know that He has to say about these things. In Jeremiah, for example:

“Let not the wise boast of their wisdom
   or the strong boast of their strength
   or the rich boast of their riches,
²⁴ but let the one who boasts boast about this:
   that they have the understanding to know me,
that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness,
   justice and righteousness on earth,
   for in these I delight.”

some times.

occasionally, there might be a day, or series of days all in a miserable streak, where everything falls apart.

sometimes the sewing machine that has been happily and faithfully sewing through leather all its life decides it's like, SO over sewing through leather and you spend hours upon hours trying to gently coax it back into working properly.

sometimes, after the aforementioned stressful hours, you throw things in your sewing room.

sometimes, you decide to take a break from sewing to dye a bear suit for the children's Christmas pageant at church. YES, THAT'S IT, DYE THE BEAR SUIT. THAT WILL BE RELAXING AND SIMPLE.

sometimes you regretfully realize that you cannot reliably dye a bear suit all one color of brown for the children's Christmas pageant, and should probably never be depended upon to do anything important ever again.

sometimes your iPod battery dies in the car and you have to drive all the way to West Bend (read: North Pole), listening to music on the radio. (HORROR OF HORRORS.)

sometimes you spend your last $10 bill on tipping your lovely hair stylist, only to realize the donut shop only takes cash. (sometimes you hold up a line full of hungry octogenarians at the donut shop while you write out a check for $2.95. )

sometimes you wait in line for 20 minutes only to have Starbucks serve you poison, masquerading as a chai latte with a shot of espresso, and make it through a very difficult series of traffic obstacles before realizing it, only to have to turn around and complete the challenge all over again.

some times are just hard times.

sometimes, it's good to know that someone is for you, and not against you. 



(song based on this.)

10 words (on why I write)

His mercies are new each morning—we must document allofit.

(go ahead and hate for the cheater word. but this was it, and i wasn't about to argue. for a short back story on why i chose to take on this little 10-word challenge, check this post out, and for a little extra context, read this.)

wilderness

i've been so grateful and excited about the new crisp autumn weather! a retreat to wearing pants and real shoes. making hot chili and curling up in blankets. cool evening bonfires. tights with dresses. creamy squash soup.

and being the best time of year, you'd think i'd be giddy up to my gills. but i think busy-ness, striving, hard work and big decisions are taking their toll.

but then this morning i came across this on my favorite Mennonite cooking blog (okay, so my only. but also my favorite.) perfect, timely, true:

18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19

how easily i lose my head sometimes.

so as the seasons change today, i'm throwing off all that hinders and toasting blue jeans, morning runs, salted caramel, future plans, and a God that never changes.

who's with me?

Lake Country 5k 2010

ps - the photo above was taken this Saturday, as my friend Katie and I started off on our first 5k together. we didn't quite hit our goals, but we did come pretty close, and we're looking forward to our next race!

good one, Del.

i've been noticing a trend lately in life, and our good friend Del Tackett hit it right on the head in this recent blog post.

you all know by now about my journey to a fitter, healthier life, but we've been working on some other improvements in tandem with The Fat to Fit Project. a while back we decided to get a little crazy about our finances. (more like crazy awesome than crazy uh-oh!) we hopped on Dave Ramsey's baby steps to a Total Money Makeover and are currently debt-free, except for the house. it took months and months of discipline, drive, communication, and not having lives, but the freedom and peace we've gained from it have been so completely worth it. we're now working on saving several months' expenses as an emergency fund. soon we'll be able to save for home improvement projects, invest in our future and live within our means without the stress and fear involved with being in debt.

i say all this to express my excitement at how much of my life has taken on a "run the race" quality. and although i heard that phrase over and over growing up, i think until you work at something, really work and strain and strive, and see the benefits of all that hard work, you can't really know what it all means. and as much as i've been able to blow off all the hokey "and then you get to the mountaintop" metaphors i've endured in my life, i have to say, there may be something to this slow-and-steady idea. almost like someone really, really smart designed things to work best this way...

the oatmeal chronicles

it was brought to my attention by an old friend that i spend the vast majority of my facebook statuses and other public forums reflecting on food. things i eat, things i want to eat, things i really shouldn't have eaten. this is not exactly news to me; i've been very open and frank about the fact that all i think about and do all day is graze and then think about what i can shove in my face next. but before you go getting all judgmental on me, let me tell you a story.

in November of this year, my friend Ryan put me up to a challenge. see, he's a certified personal trainer, kettlebell instructor, and all-around way healthier than at least 95% of the general population of the United States, i'm pretty sure. and, as i'm learning now, when you've found the secret to success in making the food work for you, you get really evangelistic and want to make everyone hop on board with you. so for YEARS Ryan has been on our cases to make healthier choices. my husband and i being two folks who enjoy pizza, nachos and wine more than we really care for, say, carrots, this was a hard sell. but i had had it with my weight gain, my out-of-shapeness, and my general pestering feeling that Something Must Be Done. so i took him up on his challenge, started eating on a diet plan he had been working with, and ramped up my workouts to 3-4 nights a week at his studio. AND THE REST IS HISTORY. (i've always wanted to say that.)

so here's how the story ends, or in the case of this blog, begins: GUESS WHAT, THE SILLY DIET PLAN WORKED. because it wasn't really a diet, so much as it was a kick start to train my body to want healthier things and function more efficiently. and because that night as we watched Ryan shovel platefuls of salad, chicken fingers and enchiladas down his trap (and burn ALL the calories from that! right there in front of us!) and considered his offer for a better life, that night proved to be a life-changer for me.

people at work have started to comment on how i have lost quite a bit of weight. some of my Fat Day clothes stopped fitting, and then some of the more Regular Day clothes, and now i've gotten to the point where my clothes i desperately hung onto from College When I Was Thin, THOSE CLOTHES DON'T REALLY FIT ANYMORE EITHER. i still have a ways to go before i meet my goals, and refuse to buy any new clothes in the meantime, but i'm going to go ahead right now and say that whatever change Ryan has encouraged here is not so shabby.

and the compliments are nice, they're scary and uncomfortable and really exciting all at the same time. but as i've started to make changes in my own life and "get it," i've felt a great responsibility to all the people i love to spread The Gospel of Good Health. so i try to lead by example. i try to maintain my healthy eating habits even with friends and family whose eating habits are anything but good. i try to introduce new foods to them, and help them learn that healthy eating can taste good, make you feel good and overall be just as enjoyable as that giant pile of cinnamon rolls paired with spicy sausage. (mmm... spicy sausage.) and for a long time it has been a struggle. it's been a fight over every meal, usually inside my head, whether or not to stick to the plan or to indulge in a little harmless cheating just to get along with the inlaws (or whoever, for that matter. it seems every office pot luck and family get-together is clouded with ample opportunities to Screw This Up.)

And then the other day, it happened. After a trip to Michigan to visit my husband's parents for Mother's Day, he got his message from his mother via Skype:

Tell Erin she changed our lives! Dad grilled talipia and asparagus and we were too hungry to wait for her fries but we had a nuked sweet potato. wehad abottle of Riesling in your honor. It was wonderful1

from mom

You'll be kind enough to forgive her typos, she's still learning Technology. (they were too cute to leave out.)

But THIS, my friends, THIS makes all the hard work worth it. THIS is why Ryan worked so hard to wean us off our garbage diet and herd us, like stubborn cats, into a better way of living. i hope he's proud of his Little Projects. he really should be.

so in tribute to the people who have made such a difference in my life, and in celebration of My Temple and how i've finally learned to honor it, and to share with others my experience (successes and Total Fails, of course) i now, today, on the Twenty-First Day of May, 2010, dedicate this blog to these things as well.

i realized recently that my intention with this forum was first to advertise my tiny budding handbag "business," and then more broadly, to share in a community of Crafters and Sewers on the Internet. but then i never posted. anything. sometimes i didn't even make things! thus the total lack of posting. really, the blog turned out to be pretty representative of that area of my life, because NOTHING WAS GETTING DONE. and while that's changing and i'm starting to pick up more projects and actually complete them (shocking), i've had to admit recently that all i really ever do with my time is Work, Work Out and Eat. and if i'm going to have a blog based, even loosely, on my life, why not focus on the things that my life consists of? this was, of course, my husband's idea. i love that man. he smells good... but anyway, if this turns out to suck, take it up with him. did i mention he's 6'4"? and crazy. just sayin'.

so here's the plan: i write about what's going on. short (or sometimes very long) little reflections on Food, Fitness, Fashion or Fabric. but no things that start with letters other than F. ... ok, kidding! lots of things. i no longer plan on restricting this forum to Things That Might Make Me Seem Cooler, and instead just throw it all out there. i guarantee, it's not as salacious as it sounds. but if you're lucky, i might even toss in an entry from my food diary for you, to boot.